Monday, September 26, 2011

growing out of baby

"Will you be sad when Gunnar turns 1? When he is no longer a baby?" I'm not sure why but this question Kelly asked me has stuck with me...even though she asked it nearly 3 months ago.

YES. Oh god.

 I'm sure every mother mourns the end of her baby's first year (well except for maybe the rare colic ridden child) It just doesn't seem possible that 10 months have come and gone so quickly and now I'm suddenly contemplating what to do for Gunnar's first birthday party.  Last week we took a trip down to see Gunnar's second cousin Van, who is now 5 months old. Holding Van made me long for the days when I could snuggle G for as long as I wished without him wiggling around to get out of my arms and onto the floor. So much changes in 5 months.

 As I was browsing through a Ralph Lauren catalog I was overcome with sadness once I realized Gunnar has moved from layette sizes to toddler boy. Gone are the options of putting him in footed outfits all day long... After all we did just buy him BIG BOY SHOES at the shoe department at Nordstrom just a week ago.

He's growing up. He says "Mama," "Daddy," "kitty," "diaper," "ducky," "down," "more," "baa" and "book".  He stands on his own for nearly a minute and can cover the length of the apartment nearly as fast as the cats. His favorite games are putting things away, crawling with blocks or rings in his hands around the house and "I'm gonna get you!".  He is such a fun guy. He's eating nearly everything, even had german hotdogs last night. He sits at a restaurant like a champ calm, quiet and observant.




Yes. The thought of him not being a baby makes me quite sad. It's such a short phase...one long but short year...but I'm trying my best to keep my mind in the present...because for a short little while he still is a baby and everyday is a gift...

Monday, September 12, 2011

just because...

"Just because he is too sweet...and I am a grandpa. I insist." said the jolly older man behind me today at the Unique thrift store.

"No. That's too much. It's such a sweet offer, but I can't possibly accept." I replied.

"No, I must insist. I will pay for the baby. I am a grandpa you see and you work hard as a mother, you deserve it...he is the sweetest thing and his smiles have made my day." He handed his credit card to the cashier and said "these will be in separate bags but I will pay for everything."

What could I say to that? I must have thanked the sweet man a hundred times...it was truly unexpected and so kind...but a thank you didn't seem to be enough. This complete stranger bought us 5 baby outfits, a board book and a belt for me. I went to Unique thrift because I learned on Monday's everything is 50% off...and I love to bargain shop, and well we're tightening our belts these days.
I'm looking to do some "assistant teaching" to beef up my teaching resume and since it doesn't pay and happens during the day, we need to make some changes to afford light childcare. We've put our YMCA membership on hold for 3 months (I haven't had time to go with rehearsals and such anyhow) and starting next month we're canceling our cable.  So when I realized we needed some warmer clothes for Gunnar I didn't think a shopping spree at Baby Gap or Janie and Jack would help our cause. So off to the thrift store I went...only to find kindness and love from a complete stranger...maybe he knew, maybe he didn't...but it came at a time of need for us.  I will definitely have to find an opportunity to pay it forward somehow.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

spinning round in circles...

We need money...
I should find a job...
...to have a job I'll need to find daycare
...without a job I can't afford daycare
How can I arrange daycare before I have money to pay for daycare?
...suck it up and pay until you find job...
okay.
Crap.
Called daycares...
...only one has an opening for child under 15 months...
What if I don't like this one?
What if it's too expensive?
Maybe I should look into babysitters...
Care.com what a great site...
...never mind...what opportunists! I have to PAY $35/month to find a caregiver on your site???
I can't afford that!!
Babysitters are expensive in this town...$10-$25/hour...
...I'll need a good job to pay for that...
...but I need a babysitter to find a job...
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
someone book me on a commercial please so I can pay for the time I'm wasting looking for jobs and babysitters and getting nowhere...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A Must Read...

August has come and gone...
and I find myself writing this blog on a brand new blogger template that has me a little wary of it's "sleekness".  Many people have asked me if I've given up on my blog...

No.

 I still plan to write. Especially when I need to. But it doesn't serve the same function as it did when I started it back in February...which was to motivate me to get out of bed and do things everyday. I don't need to write a blog to be motivated anymore...I rediscovered my motivation somewhere along the way and then just out of habit continued to write everyday and almost felt like I was a slave to it. I needed a break...

Ever since I started rehearsal for "Red and Green" I have felt the need to pinch myself on a daily basis. Could I really be living this life? Cherishing time with my 9 month old son by day, feeding my passion and art by night? It has been incredible. I find myself dreading October 10th when I will wake up and this project will be done...will it ever happen again? So instead of spending time blogging I've been spending every waking hour that I'm not memorizing lines or reading "Peek-A-Who?" looking for a way to keep this feeling alive. Searching for the next project...

...but a few weeks ago my aunt Lisa drew my attention to a book that seemed to be directly related to the play I'm now working on. I felt compelled to buy it immediately, just in case it could inform my character.  But it did so much more than just that...

I have never been that girl who stays up all day and night to finish a book that I couldn't put down...until Little Princes, One mans promise to bring home the lost children of Nepal.  I never could have imagined that a biography about a young man volunteering at an orphanage could be so inspiring and adventurous. This book has every element anyone could possibly want out of a novel: suspense, redemption, adventure, humor...(oh he is so funny) and love.  When I finished the book at 2am last night I felt like a changed person. That I needed to devote my time and talents to making a difference, like this man had done in Nepal.

I don't know what that means for me yet...but I couldn't help but think how wonderful this world could be if everyone acted on instinct to make a difference when they saw injustice the way Conor Grennan did in Nepal. That is the kind of world I want to live in...

...Read this book. Don't check it out from the library...buy it (proceeds go to the children's home he started in Kathmandu).