Saturday, June 4, 2011

Birth Week: A Bloody Mess and other Unmentionables...

WARNING: Yes, I'm going there...if you don't want to hear about what happens in the nether regions after you have a baby...DO NOT READ THIS have been warned!

I remember laughing out loud when our instructor passed around an adult size diaper looking pad at our birthing class.  I also remember thinking..."I probably won't really wear these...I'll just get regular pads...these are silly."  But what I didn't know then was these pads probably should have been bigger and thicker for the mess that ensues after squeezing a watermelon through a mouse hole. I don't know why the amount of blood surprised me so much...but I will never forget that first moment of going to the bathroom in my postpartum hospital room and looking down at the bloody pad I needed to now throw away and almost fainting off the toilet. The sight definitely made me light headed and slightly nauseated.  But that didn't compare to the throbbing pain I felt in the region where the incident occurred. My best friends in these moments were the squirt bottle to spray my area with warm and cold water and the glorious ice packs the hospital provided.

I'm not saying this made it easier to walk.  Oh no I was clutching to that I.V. drip monitor thingy like it was my third limb and life line for keeping me upright.   You see when you have a pad the size of a small mattress AND a large ice pack stuffed between your swollen sort of walk like a dying penguin. I remember wondering if walking would ever be the same again.  But luckily I had improved to walking like a near sighted zombie by the time I checked out of the hospital...and my walking had improved ten fold within a few short days, thankfully.

The Bloody River and tar-like blood clots, however, continued to flow for weeks....WEEKS after returning home.  I was convinced at some point I'd run out of blood in my body and just die. But kept coming for nearly 6 weeks!! I really can't remember if someone warned me about this or if I just wasn't paying attention...but this was incredibly shocking to me.

And then there was the smell. Oh GOD...I'm blushing right now even thinking about it...(why am I writing this down for the world to read? I don't know I just keep typing...) Oh my gag me! You'd think I gave birth to a dead skunk! Thankfully this was a short term side effect...

Oh and did I mention the hemorrhoids? Yeah...I don't think I ever looked...I just knew they were there.  Nothing a little Tucks pad or Preparation-H couldn't cure though...that was the side effect I was least worried about.  Well I guess there was that fear of going #2...but again, nothing a little stool softner couldn't cure.

We're talking war zone people, on my vagina! The war department probably should hand out medals to every woman who gives birth. I mean we've fought valiantly and suffered for the love of reproduction! And what continues to amaze me is that...MOST WOMEN DO THIS at some point in their lives. Sometimes multiple times!! I know I hope to do it again...AM I CRAZY????!!!!!!

But the truth's worth it. It really is. The little pain (okay I know it's not little but it only lasts for a little while) we endure is nothing compared to the joy of raising a baby.  Watching them grow and discover the world is like nothing I've ever done. I get such a HIGH out of watching G do or discover something's such a RUSH! Nothing compares to that feeling. I'd do it again with twice as much pain just to get to have these experiences.  I mean really, really what I think about is...WHAT THE HECK did women do before meds and pads and icepacks and Tucks and Stool softners??? Oh my God!!! And they went on to have multiple what I'm saying is...This too shall has for thousands of years.

Women's bodies are invincible...and incredible!


  1. My nurses made homemade ice packs in probably size 2 baby diapers. They would pull them open and then fill them with ice, fantastic idea! Less bulk with all the absorbancy. Covering then in Tucks pads and numbing cream... ahhh a dream come true!

  2. I laughed out loud at this post! I bled for 7 weeks so, yeah, I was right there with you... best of all, at my 6 week check-up, the CMW says, "well, you healed okaaaay, not great, just okay". WTF???

  3. LOL. Oh the hemorrhoids. I had a thrombosed external one that only went away when M was 6 months and I discovered Earth Mama Bottom Balm. Until then I was on the Miralax... that entire time... going #2 was a traumatic experience for the first 2 months. It was awful. *Shudder*

  4. And the ankles as big as cantaloupes that go down in front of my eyes while I cry the keep the baby alive and happy hormones out for 5 hours while my friend the therapist tells me 1) You are not going crazy 2) This will end soon 3) you will not be a crazy mother 4) you will be a good mother 5) you are not crazy for having a baby and 6) order a pizza, but ask them to hold the salt????

    By the end of that my ankles were, once again skinny and knobby. But my face was puffy and bloated and my eyes very red. My breast milk, however, was leaking all over the place! Go figure. Go Moms!